Lovechildren Rehab
by Aerithism
Summary: AU. Lovechildren, and the cast of FFVII, VIII, X, and KH. What can we say? Senseless, random humor and character bashing abound. Possible suggestive themes.
1. And so, it starts

**Disclaimer: **No, we don't own anything of FFVII, VIII, X, X-2, nor KH.  That belongs to Square-Enix.  Heck, we don't own ANY of this stuff except for Aerithism.

**A/N: **This stuff is not to be taken seriously.  It's basically something we thought up when we were BORED STIFF.  It's an ongoing Aerithism joke along with blatant character-bashing; if you can't take senseless, random humor, don't bother reading.

Reviews are appreciated, flames are amusing, and to be honest, we're expecting some of those because of the sheer weirdness and stupidity of this thing.

--

The cast of FFVII, VIII, X, and KH were all sitting boredly in ugly, plastic chairs staring at the ugly, plastic room, wondering how they got into this mess.  Then they remembered.  They all decided to be idiotic and have lovechildren.  A TV monitor in Plastic Hell (as Squall's beloved Seifer would put it) played a commercial for safe sex over and over again.  Yes, it was a lovely day.  We know.

A figure appeared in the doorway of Plastic Hell – the host of Lovechildren Anonymous.  The 'host' was a person in a hooded cape, looking very much like a spork in a dishrag.  Except it was a manly spork and the dishrag was huge and gothic-looking.  Kairi squealed and almost forgot about the fact that she was in a straightjacket, falling off her chair.  Riku coughed something that sounded like 'date-raped' but we all know that couldn't have happened.  Since he's so innocent and pure and all.

The spork-man's hood fell back, revealing the spork-like features of… Ansem.  He pointed to the TV silently, nodding.  A commercial came on at that exact moment, with a large, floating blob on the screen.  Tidus pointed frantically, yelling "Sin!" over and over until he coughed, falling off his chair also.  'Sin' began to advertise how the use of birth control pills prevented lovechildren.  Apparently, this would have helped all of their problems very much… Remember, kids, safe sex.  (*cough*)

Ansem gave everyone a solemn gaze; as best as a spork man and gay bar occupant could, for that matter.  He grabbed a video off Plastic Hell's rack (yes, I am aware of how very wrong that sounds) and started towards the television.  Rinoa squinted to see the title.  But that was regular, seeing as she was on a permanent hangover and all.  It's Rinoa, for god's sake.  Being the spaz that she is, she could only make out two words.  'Child' and the letter 'P'.  Everyone guessed that meant prevention.

Everyone was also extremely unlucky and everyone was about to be scarred for life.  Popping up on the screen was various pictures of 'innocent' children.  "Ahaha... must have put Child Porn instead of Prevention," Ansem stammered.  With an overdramatic THUD, Riku fainted.

Sora scooted his chair away from Riku the best he possibly could, before glancing at his parents.  Yes, Rinoa and Irvine, which was already wrong on far too many levels without the fact of Selphie trying to attack and kill him, along with Rinoa.  Kairi, tied to her chair, began to try to scoot over towards the TV, hitting her humongous head against the 'eject' button.  The tape popped out of the VCR, flying across the room and hitting Yuna between the eyes.  She slumped over into Tidus's lap, the teenager grinning slightly, until a bit of drool slid out of Yuna's mouth.  "Eww eww ewwwwww!"

Ansem returned to the video rack (…) and grabbed another video, this time it was the correct one.  He jammed it into the VCR, hitting Kairi's balloon-for-a-head in the process.  A smiling image of Sin (…Sin can smile?  Right.)  came up on the screen, along with two women of various unmentioned ages, somewhere around twenty, perhaps.  They were both clothed in pink habits.  They were (obviously) priestesses of Aerithism.

Sin then flashed a Colgate-infested smile at everyone, therefore scarring Tidus for life. "SIN WANTS TO DO MEEEE!", he shrieked.  Yuna's head fell off his lap, clonking against the floor.  The others stared at the screen, twitching.  One of the priestesses, the shorter of the two, was running around shouting something remotely like "Kill them off!  That'll take care of lovechildren!" She then tripped and knocked her head, unconsious for the moment.

The other priestess coughed and resumed talking. "We have treated many people. Including a...ah...certain transvestite girly-man who will go unnam-" The incessantly hyper one momentarily stopped fainting and shrieked as loudly as possible. "IT'S ANSEM, YOU KNOW." Said person meeped and hid in a nice quiet corner.  Everyone, feel bad for the drag queen, okay?

The Amazingly Sane One started to cackle maniacally at the occupants of the room, who were hiding on Plastic Hell's rack (I know already, dammit) and twitching.  Cackling-Woman stammered out through laughter,  "We...helped him...stop...molesting..." At this point she was nearly falling over. "...small children." She then fell over laughing as the Hyper One meeped and edged far, far away from the screen, while thinking of suicide weapons.

Still grinning slightly, Sane One coughed politely, glancing around the 'room' of Lovechildren Anonymous, also known as LA.  No, not the city in California.  Sin floated closer to the screen, still smiling.  "Today," it began, while everyone wondered how a giant evil blob could speak, "We will talk about preventing lovechildren.  Now, kids, how would that be done?"

"…." Chorused the characters.

"Safe sex, idiots."

"Oh."  

"They really have that unison thing down," Sane One stated.  She moved closer to the screen as Sin, err, floated back.  "Now, who here are lovechildren?  Raise your hands."  Sora, Riku, Kairi, Yuffie, Rikku, and AIM (yes, that damned instant messenger, don't ask how it has a hand) all raised their hands, looking slightly embarrassed.  Sane One nodded, then sighed.  "All right.  Six lovechildren.  How do you like being lovechildren?  Who are your parents?"

Sora sighed.  "Irvine and Rinoa," he muttered.

The Sane One soon learned that Elena and Reno had produced Riku, Squall and Aerith had Kairi.  They were the only two sane one night stander-pairings.  Yeah.  Rikku and AIM were from Ansem and Jenova.  Upon hearing this the Hyper One twitched for… no reason.  But all in all, Yuffie was the lovechild of the Pairing of Hell.

Hyper One rolled her eyes, having gotten up a few minutes ago.  "Honestly, it's just a name.  It couldn't be that bad… right?"  Not surprisingly, there was no response.  Yuffie shriveled up into a nice little corner.  "Ah… Kairi?" Sane One sweatdropped.  "And…?"  She was going to be scarred.  She knew it.

"Ansem."

With a nice, Yuna-esque clonk, Hyper One fainted.  Again.


	2. Spaz Attacks, Funerals, and More Plastic

**Disclaimer: **We don't own FF or KH; that belongs to Squaresoft.  Aerithism and its priestesses, however, belong to us.  =D

**A/N:** Whoo, we've finally got a review, so onward we continue.  At least SOMEONE noticed this thing.  xD  Amazingly, it wasn't a flame.  o_o;  Oh, I, Sane One, wrote the first part.  I turned over the second part, Rinoa's funeral (yes, Rinoa =D) over to Hyper One.  Hence, more pervertedness.  O_o;

**--**

Sane One stared at Yuffie, still trying to coerce answers out of the lovechild.  "So, you're saying your mother is Kairi?  How… your mother is younger than you, Yuffie.  She can't be your mother."

Yuffie merely shook her head.

"It's true!"  Kairi grinned.  "I'm a mommy!"  

Squall and Aerith blinked, then hugged each other.  "We're grandparents!"  They got up, and began to dance around the room while a few others joined them, along with Kairi.  Yuffie brooded in a corner, a dark, ominous cloud following her around, one that would normally follow Vincent.  

Sane One twitched, laughing nervously.  After about ten more minutes of random dancing, she frowned.  "All of you, sit your damn selves down in the damned plastic chairs!"  Everyone stared at her with wide eyes.  They were about to continue dancing until Hyper One bounced up to the screen, waving a Swiss army knife around crazily.  The characters immediately complied without a second thought.

"So, the first step we're going to learn is how to be paired off correctly.  At least the lovechildren will be normal if we get that to a normal level."  Sane One leaned closer to the TV screen, glancing around the room.  "…where's Rinoa?"

Rinoa, meanwhile, had escaped the room when the random dancing had ensued.  She was trying, with much difficulty, to scale the LA complex in a straight jacket.  The window was broken.

"Rinoa," the Hyper One began, "must have broken it during a spaz attack.  While in the middle of this spaz attack, she must have seen the open window and climbed out of it."

Sane One stared at Hyper One with an utterly confused look on her face.  "Okay.  So, someone go get Rinoa or I can't get Squall paired off corre – "

"Seifer/Squall all the way, damnit!"  Seifer coughed and scooted his chair back a little.  "What?  I swear I didn't say anything.

"Mmhmm.  Right."

"Seriously!"  
"Whatev – "

"That's MY line!"  

"Yeah, lady, that's Squall's line, so just shut up!"  
The Sane One glared at them all, turning all shiny and spiffy like Galadriel does in Lord of the Rings.  "Silence!"

They all twitched and hid under their chairs.  Plastic Hell quivered.  There was a scream.  Rinoa's straightjacketed form fell past the window.  Seifer shrugged.  Hyper One ran offscreen and in the door to the room, sticking her head out of the window to watch Rinoa fall.  "Byeeeeee spazzzzyyyy!" she called after the blue-clad woman, giggling.  She looked at the room, laughing nervously.  "Oops."

"HYPER ONE!"  Sane One's scream was picked up by the speakers and amplified many times.  It took quite awhile for the characters' ears to stop ringing.  

"Ahaha."

Aerith stared at the two, slightly confused.  "Umm… two questions.  One: don't you two have real names?  And two: why are you in pink robes?"

"Well, for the first question," Hyper One began, "We don't give out our names and use these instead.  Ask Sane One, I don't even know why."  A voice that sounded like Sane One could be heard muttering 'to avoid the evil flames, idiot.' but they all chose to ignore it.  "And for the second question, we're priestesses of Aerithism."

Aerith twitched.  "Aerithism?"

"Uh-huh."

"So, it's like a cult worship of me?"

"The one and only."

"COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!"  Aerith jumped up and down, then proceeded to glomp Cloud repeatedly in happiness, as Tifa meanwhile threw multiple things at her, all of which Hyper One and Sane One frantically blocked.  

"Aerith!  Get off him!"  Sane One pulled Aerith off of Cloud, and looked around the room.  "How do I somehow doubt we're going to have to break off this meeting and do something else?"  Everyone shrugged.  "All right then… we need to have a funeral for the dearly departed Rinoa."  Everyone blinked when she said 'dearly departed'.  "I was trying to be nice, okay?"

--

It was a cold day that brought only mourning. The cast took slow, melancholy steps towards their fallen angel's grave... Rinoa was gone. Each of them - even Hyper One - placed a single white rose on the cold stone surface. "Goodbye... Rinoa." Squall sobbed out.

_Um... no._

The sun shone up in the bright turquoise sky; a nice day - too nice of a day to spend 'mourning' a mary-sue-wannabe that you didn't like much in the first place. Hyper One sulked and took a seat under a small tree that was slowly turning pink - contaminated by IT. The Unholy One herself... Rinoa. Many things could be said about her. Biatch, devil incarnate, regular attendant of plastic surgery - all of them were generally crappy things. Yes, they took after the Winged Manly Woman.

Sane attempted to sound formal and kind, as she placed a plastic Wal-Mart flower near the piece of paper taped to the ground; reading 'ths is rnhoa' in scrawly print. The result was not unlike a pregnant spork attempting to hump Kairi. It just didn't work. ''Ahh... can we go now?'' Hyper One complained.  A certain brown-haired gay man rolled his eyes. ''We make a speech. We do formal shit,'' Squall mumbled. ''...dumbass.'' Hyper sulked. ''Yeah, you're just pissed 'cause you wanna hump Seifer.''

The following events were crack induced - Squall's gunblade slammed the tree; and repeated use of the f-word continued as a swearing Ansem fell out of the tree and crash-landed - on the disturbed Hyper and Squall, coincidentally.  (*cough*)  Seifer tripped and also fell in the pile, meaning to - ironically enough - hump Squall. Hyper attempted to crawl out of the ever screwy blob that was Squall, Ansem, Seifer and now Aerith as she attempted to strangle Squall for cheating on her.  This resulted in the caffeinated-priest-woman getting whacked by Squall's gunblade. ...the weapon. (x_x) Sane One stared for a record 3 minutes.

''...are you all having a group orgy?''


End file.
